~ Hidden Message ~
They may say things like:
-"I love you" (Translation:Not really just saying it to get your love")
-"How you going! there!" (tone of disgust) (translation: pttf you again)
This can be indicated by a tone of insincerity. But thats OK "Accept insincerity with true sincerity" and you cannot suffer. Remember you have control over your own level of suffering you experience.
Hidden messages or double meaning is also inherit in sarcastic jokes, they are called "tropes", in regards to jokes we all know it is a joke. Be careful that most joke are half-truth or at least has some true essence about them (else they won't be funny). But of course the whole idea of jokes is we don't take it personal anyway, that is why they aren't so offensive (depending on the joke).
~ Cutting You Off ~
They may ask you a question about yourself then cut you off before you finish answering. They may ask you a leading question "do you still quarrel with your wife?" and you may not be able to answer this without appearing wrong. They may ask you a question and cut you off at the instance they feel you are in control of the convo. Remember their intention is to be in control of you.
This can be an opportunity to exercise our patience and tolerance. Or if you do need to speak, let them know "sorry, please hold on let me finish my words and after i shall listen intently to your thoughts". Of course they cannot not let you finish but maybe they act as though they not interested in what you say, or...feel what your saying not worth their time to them and imply that in their demeanor. This is again a mechanism to make you feel bad for taking control of the conversation or to get you to stop talking. If they truly a good friend, they would want to really listen to your thoughts and your also important to them. But of course if you talk to much even your best friend could get annoyed or sick of it. In that case it's not their fault either.
~ Build to Topple ~
They will use your self-esteem to control you as they learn confidential entrusted information about yourself. They will shower you with compliments till you are totally dependent on them for feeling good about yourself and then will take you apart piece by piece until you are in their control.
The whole idea is to cause arise feelings of anxiety and self-conscienceness, subtly drawing your attention to your most negative qualities. This then makes you feel more guilty, helpless, insecure hence more susceptible to control.
They build you up then pull you down below them so they can feel superior. "The higher i build them the harder they will fall". Ironically they will always be the first to offer some kind of help after your topple and there motive is full of self fulfilled desires. After a while you begin to look at them for your sense of worth and security.
~ Trapping ~
Trapping is one of the most annoying things an Invalidator can do to you and really make your blood boil.
Your gf/spouse/partner might say "it's either your mother or me!".
On the one hand you lose your mother, on the other hand you lose your partner.
Three points to identify is...
1. It is their game
2. It has threat of disastrous affect
3. We are responsible to the threat
"I am not going to choose, i'm going to do what i need to do and you can choose" (i am not going to play your game). "Their 'attack' was for you to choose, so to disarm their attack is to take away the choice from yourself and give it back. This is called "Mirroring". An Invalidator is like this because they fail to acknowledge the bigger picture."~nastypeople
Above are the part of the most common tools that an Invalidator uses, I've suggested some of my own ways of dealing with them but of course some of these what works best for my temperaments and ways of communications. I myself am a big follower of compassion, a level of courtesy, preferring patience and tolerance, thinking positive and letting gone be gone. Therefore this is the way i prefer to handle things. Find your own style.
I've helped define anInvalidator a few entries back and now have finished defining some of their invalidation weaponry array. My next entry will be the books suggested ways of countering an Invalidator which doesn't really depart from what I've been suggesting .
TO BE CONTINUED