How Does Invalidators Arise?
First off lets find out how we can hope to indentify one
To Indentify an invalidator ask few question:
Is the person hurting you?
Do you feel comfortable with what they are saying?
Is this communication distort?
Are they insincere?
In reality there are no such things an Invalidator or types of people that are Invalidators. It is stated that only 1% of people are consciencely and purposely invalidating others and another 20% of the people are unconscience of invalidating others. I'm sure the further 79% of the population are not exempted from some form of using validation some time in their lives and would be unconsciencely guilty of using some of the invalidation mechanism outlined. If you are truly pure, then stay that way! The invalidation personality can be very destructive and contagious!
People most are generally not born invalidators they learn to become one and evolve to be one. The underlining reasons they may become one is:
1. They did not get enough nurturing or attention.
2. They strongly want to get their way
3. Someone had been nasty to them in the past
4. They don't feel good about themselves
5. They have neural chemical imbalances
Underliningly... one who uses invalidation feels:
2. Not in Control
Hence naturally to counteract these above negative feelings, they will want to strengthen their...
-Ego, due to lack of Self-esteem
-Arrogance, due to lack of self confidence
-Entitlement, due to Lack of self worth
All of the above can be a natural response without them knowing themselves.
The above points are accomplished by attaining superiority from belittling and controlling others. Again...understand that in essence people are not born as these snake-like (venomous and slippery) personalities. It is rather people use these invalidation techniques or bring out the this temporal invalidation personality. Such personality arises from the selfish ego entity. Ego is the source of arrogance and selfish desires. Since it is the most self lacking entity it requires constant fulfillment and as we can see the sources of it's fulfilment can be quite destructive (damaging to others and self). Most people in their lives are not exempted from such behavior at times, even the more 'cultivated' of all of us may not catch themselves doing so. It is a devil personality we need to be aware of.
~ Managing the Invalidators and Yourself ~
Since the underlining trigger of invalidation is ego and the feelings of inferiority. Sometimes a good thing to do is to truthfully acknowledge their good traits (not flatterly) and that she/he is OK. Sincerely put their virtues and strengths in perspective and encourage that. This is not flattery this is encouraging them to love themselves more and to show that they are just like or as good as anyone. We are all humans beings, we all have our good traits aswell. We are all wonderful and can do and be alot of things. C'mon...even the most selfish person has good traits right?...or at least potentially have (help them cultivate that).
If someone is mean to you just remember you are OK, in essence don't feel bad about yourself. We are dynamic creatures and can always improve and rectify ourselves with enough will. Don't allow yourself to be type casted into a pigeon hole then live out a negative stereotype or personality. He said "i'm stupid, i'm so am *sob* so i might as well stay so". If you truely did a mistake it's ok to feel bad for what you've done. This is a sense of shame and it is not a bad thing but refrain from allow it to mangle your own self-esteem. The person you are and what you did are seperate things, never too late to improve. Learn from your mistakes, move on and do not dwell in others peoples bad perception or your own self perception of negativity.
An Invalidator will try to get you to dwell on your wrongs and exploit it. If it is something you did wrong, better to be honest, direct and thank them early. "Sorry... you are correct i made a mistake, thank you for that". You made a mistake, who in this world is perfect? If they persist and continue to push you down, just simply stop their destructive ways by saying something like "As my true friend allow me time to consider and ponder my mistake and resolution". They could insinuate things like "but are you truely going to change?", "Well it takes time and effort, if we can all change so quickly neither you or me would have to be here, everyone would reach perfection in an instance". Let them know of there invalidating ways, don't let them play you any longer.
Of course, if you haven't done anything wrong then even better, no need to worry what others think. Their negative perception will be their own sufferings. Just say something like "though i do disagree but point taken, i respect your opinon and i shall consider it in due time". If they say "oh! your too stubborn" or insinuation negative things you could say "I feel uncomfortable that you react in this way, please give me space to consider". If they are your true friend they will back away and give you it.
~ Know Thy Trueself (Deeply Philosophical Aspect) ~
In essence your "true nature" does not inflate due to others people praise or deflate due to other peoples criticism. If this is happening it is happening to the ego entity. It is thus this entity that is controlled in such a manner. Think about it...if we deflate or inflate due to other people words we are actually allowing ourselves to be govern by them. The way we feel is moved by our feelings that are govern by others people words (impermanent words)...are we then not their prisoner?
In essence due to the ego we become the slave of others. The ego is always wanting positive reinforcement to depend on for comfort, and strenghtening itself against negative reinforcement for security, yet they both build one thing...illusive EGO.
To depending on EGO that is already inferior, insubstantial and illusive how can we be in control and feel comfortable or safe? In doing so of course there will be a continous cycle of no self worth, no self esteem or no self confidence.
Hear my summarising prose:
The "true nature" needs no comfort!
Why seek comfort in that which is impermanent?
Know that which does not change and dwell in its peace,
That is true comfort!
The "true nature" needs no security,
What is the point of securing a door painted to a indestructable wall?
Rub out the door painting and there is nothing to secure at all,
Your already safe!
"Know that which does not change" is to awaken to true self.
"Rub out the door painting" is to rid the ego.
If one awakens to true self and rid/reduce of ego,
How can an invalidator harm and disturb you in the first place?...
If one awakens to true self and rid/reduce of ego
How can we be invalidators ourselves?