Continuation of the many combat tactics of an Invalidator
~ Judgment ~
They make a judgment about YOU! if someone is making a judgment of what you "did" this is not as bad as if they are negatively judging YOU as a person.
From the previous blog entry example underlining the statement "you are irresponsible" the person is passing a judgment on you as a person. They could also imply "Obviously! Everyone would agree that your are irresponsible!". Since you also might agree that forgetting the milk was irresponsible, you might assume that perhaps you are irresponsible."~nastypeople. One begins to question oneself and doubt self. This is the whole idea of an Invalidator to break you away bit by bit. It is more advantageous for them if you've made a clear mistake, now they have an EXCUSE to judge you.
If that person was really responsible for their feelings they would instead say "i am angry that you didn't bring home the milk". Instead an Invalidator would try to shun responsibilities of their own feelings. The Invalidator would act as if everyone would agree that his judgment is correct. Attacking your self-esteem instead of the real problem.
~ Manipulation ~
Manipulation is "controlling" in a bad way especially for selfish gains. Compelled to win and to be in control. In such instance you may be pressured to let them have things their way. The methods can range from small manipulations to outright domination.
They may dominate a whole conversion, set its parameters, fix the boundaries in such a way that no matter what they says they will always be right. Any thoughts or idea you have will be cut down, chopped and processed...what you say isn't really important to them. Any resistance or disagreement then "your too stubborn!" (JUDGMENT!!). Of course they make this outburst, remember they want to control you and get their way. They force you to pick up what they want and in most cases you just can't be stuff resisting and you begin to feel guilty and wronged for submission. Even worst you can still feel guilty and bad for not submitting to them. The difference between a friend and an Invalidator is motive. In the end a friend will back away and respect you, an Invalidator wants to control you period.
eg. (Excerpts from the book)
"Your boss wanted you to work overtime yet you cannot as you have other commitments. She may comment "there needs to be more dedication in this company". You may remind her of your extra hours yet she hopes that you enjoyed the extra pay even though you did so to actually help out. You then feel bad that they could attribute lower motives for your efforts and feel she truly doesn't know you. She continues to say overtime pay is nice but this is the time she really needs you. You tell her you cannot let the other commitments down but she may say people let other people down all the time and if you let a person down when they really need you, how can you truly be relied upon. Understand that they will just work you to death and take all the credit. They can even think that it is they who did the work."~nastypeople
If they say things that undermines your true intentions/abilities etc, stay firm/calm and do not worry if they think that way, if they truly think that way about you then they truly don't know you, who can blame them for their shortsightedness, so be done with it. In this regard we should not care what other people think about us. "If we always seek for other peoples approval we become their prisoners"~Lao Tze.
My motto is always try to think positive in all instant and concentrate on courtesy and compassion. Maybe they don't really think that way about you but use those words to get you to do what they want...have we caught our own selves doing this? Therefore lets be more accommodating about it. If you truly know yourself and can find your self-worth from your own inner self you don't have to prove anything, stay calm and don't take it personal. Say things like "it makes me sad that you feel that way about me", "if you truly think like that of me then i guess i have nothing more to say, i assure you they were not my thoughts" and stand firm.
~ Sneak Attacks ~
"i don't want to upset you, but..." (she probably does want to upset you)
"i hope this doesn't insult you..." (here comes the insult)
The voice will be soft but it pierce like the sharpest dagger, yet used with a facade of the utmost concern.
The key in this statement is their sincerity in saying these words. Are they doing so because they truly uncomfortable with what you've done and need to voice in out in a best way they know how, or they just saying so you put you down and make them feel more superior then you? Understand that if they say these sentences with insincerity they do it probably to vent their own self-esteem issues and make themselves feel better (put you down to make you feel bad).
I personally don't encourage people to always think negatively about what others say. "I am most delighted when people can let me know of my faults...they are my greatest teachers" ~ Confucius. Be objective and use this as an opportunity to grow and learn rather then thinking about despising the other person. You'll only make yourself feel worst and suffer more, but hey it's anyone's choice.
"Accept insincerity with true sincerity". If it is true we accept and make it positive and try to improve self, if it is not true ask them why they think it is so and let them give you examples, don't take it personal. In private sessions discuss and seek rapport with them, find out why they say the things they do and why they say it in that way, let them know how you feel when they say it the way they do. There is always a reason for their behavior so dig into it. Also if they see that these words doesn't effect you in the way they intended (make you feel bad or inferior) your in a better position to handle them.
I tend to take these ones with a confronting joke and say it how it is..."haha, you don't wanna insult then here comes the insult, you don't wanna upset but there it comes *give them a wink*... strike under a veil...not bad my friend not bad...haha". 1) if they don't realise their invalidating ways, now they do and you've unearthed them. 2) if they do, well you've confronted them, if they have any shame they will feel a little embarrassed and will move into the joke with you. The advantages of doing it jokingly is to have mercy and give them a place to escape. It is less confronting if we all can laugh at the situation.
Remember, some of these "handling suggestions" are things that work for myself and may not work for others. I try not advocate negative reactions or counter productive solutions, as it only make a worst society to live in. Find your own style but keep in mind if one could muster up forgiveness, compassion, courtesy, patience and tolerance i recommend it very much. Maybe it's difficult to do so, but if it can be done we become the better persons and make it a better place to live in by example.
My next entry will be the final part of the Invalidators Arsenals. After and from there on we will discuss how way to counter an Invalidator.
TO BE CONTINUED!!!