Sunday, February 22, 2009

The Invalidators Arsenal - Part 3 of 3

~ Hidden Message ~

They may say things like:
-"I love you" (Translation:Not really just saying it to get your love")
-"How you going! there!" (tone of disgust) (translation: pttf you again)

This can be indicated by a tone of insincerity. But thats OK "Accept insincerity with true sincerity" and you cannot suffer. Remember you have control over your own level of suffering you experience.

Hidden messages or double meaning is also inherit in sarcastic jokes, they are called "tropes", in regards to jokes we all know it is a joke. Be careful that most joke are half-truth or at least has some true essence about them (else they won't be funny). But of course the whole idea of jokes is we don't take it personal anyway, that is why they aren't so offensive (depending on the joke).

~ Cutting You Off ~

They may ask you a question about yourself then cut you off before you finish answering. They may ask you a leading question "do you still quarrel with your wife?" and you may not be able to answer this without appearing wrong. They may ask you a question and cut you off at the instance they feel you are in control of the convo. Remember their intention is to be in control of you.

Handling Suggestions:
This can be an opportunity to exercise our patience and tolerance. Or if you do need to speak, let them know "sorry, please hold on let me finish my words and after i shall listen intently to your thoughts". Of course they cannot not let you finish but maybe they act as though they not interested in what you say, or...feel what your saying not worth their time to them and imply that in their demeanor. This is again a mechanism to make you feel bad for taking control of the conversation or to get you to stop talking. If they truly a good friend, they would want to really listen to your thoughts and your also important to them. But of course if you talk to much even your best friend could get annoyed or sick of it. In that case it's not their fault either.

~ Build to Topple ~

They will use your self-esteem to control you as they learn confidential entrusted information about yourself. They will shower you with compliments till you are totally dependent on them for feeling good about yourself and then will take you apart piece by piece until you are in their control.

The whole idea is to cause arise feelings of anxiety and self-conscienceness, subtly drawing your attention to your most negative qualities. This then makes you feel more guilty, helpless, insecure hence more susceptible to control.

They build you up then pull you down below them so they can feel superior. "The higher i build them the harder they will fall". Ironically they will always be the first to offer some kind of help after your topple and there motive is full of self fulfilled desires. After a while you begin to look at them for your sense of worth and security.

~ Trapping ~

Trapping is one of the most annoying things an Invalidator can do to you and really make your blood boil.

Your gf/spouse/partner might say "it's either your mother or me!".
On the one hand you lose your mother, on the other hand you lose your partner.

Three points to identify is...
1. It is their game
2. It has threat of disastrous affect
3. We are responsible to the threat

Handling suggestion:
"I am not going to choose, i'm going to do what i need to do and you can choose" (i am not going to play your game). "Their 'attack' was for you to choose, so to disarm their attack is to take away the choice from yourself and give it back. This is called "Mirroring". An Invalidator is like this because they fail to acknowledge the bigger picture."~nastypeople

In conclusion...
Above are the part of the most common tools that an Invalidator uses, I've suggested some of my own ways of dealing with them but of course some of these what works best for my temperaments and ways of communications. I myself am a big follower of compassion, a level of courtesy, preferring patience and tolerance, thinking positive and letting gone be gone. Therefore this is the way i prefer to handle things. Find your own style.

I've helped define anInvalidator a few entries back and now have finished defining some of their invalidation weaponry array. My next entry will be the books suggested ways of countering an Invalidator which doesn't really depart from what I've been suggesting .


Tuesday, February 17, 2009

The Invalidators Arsenal - Part 2 of 3

Continuation of the many combat tactics of an Invalidator

~ Judgment ~

They make a judgment about YOU! if someone is making a judgment of what you "did" this is not as bad as if they are negatively judging YOU as a person.

From the previous blog entry example underlining the statement "you are irresponsible" the person is passing a judgment on you as a person. They could also imply "Obviously! Everyone would agree that your are irresponsible!". Since you also might agree that forgetting the milk was irresponsible, you might assume that perhaps you are irresponsible."~nastypeople. One begins to question oneself and doubt self. This is the whole idea of an Invalidator to break you away bit by bit. It is more advantageous for them if you've made a clear mistake, now they have an EXCUSE to judge you.

If that person was really responsible for their feelings they would instead say "i am angry that you didn't bring home the milk". Instead an Invalidator would try to shun responsibilities of their own feelings. The Invalidator would act as if everyone would agree that his judgment is correct. Attacking your self-esteem instead of the real problem.

~ Manipulation ~

Manipulation is "controlling" in a bad way especially for selfish gains. Compelled to win and to be in control. In such instance you may be pressured to let them have things their way. The methods can range from small manipulations to outright domination.

They may dominate a whole conversion, set its parameters, fix the boundaries in such a way that no matter what they says they will always be right. Any thoughts or idea you have will be cut down, chopped and processed...what you say isn't really important to them. Any resistance or disagreement then "your too stubborn!" (JUDGMENT!!). Of course they make this outburst, remember they want to control you and get their way. They force you to pick up what they want and in most cases you just can't be stuff resisting and you begin to feel guilty and wronged for submission. Even worst you can still feel guilty and bad for not submitting to them. The difference between a friend and an Invalidator is motive. In the end a friend will back away and respect you, an Invalidator wants to control you period.

eg. (Excerpts from the book)
"Your boss wanted you to work overtime yet you cannot as you have other commitments. She may comment "there needs to be more dedication in this company". You may remind her of your extra hours yet she hopes that you enjoyed the extra pay even though you did so to actually help out. You then feel bad that they could attribute lower motives for your efforts and feel she truly doesn't know you. She continues to say overtime pay is nice but this is the time she really needs you. You tell her you cannot let the other commitments down but she may say people let other people down all the time and if you let a person down when they really need you, how can you truly be relied upon. Understand that they will just work you to death and take all the credit. They can even think that it is they who did the work."~nastypeople

If they say things that undermines your true intentions/abilities etc, stay firm/calm and do not worry if they think that way, if they truly think that way about you then they truly don't know you, who can blame them for their shortsightedness, so be done with it. In this regard we should not care what other people think about us. "If we always seek for other peoples approval we become their prisoners"~Lao Tze.

Handling Suggestions:
My motto is always try to think positive in all instant and concentrate on courtesy and compassion. Maybe they don't really think that way about you but use those words to get you to do what they want...have we caught our own selves doing this? Therefore lets be more accommodating about it. If you truly know yourself and can find your self-worth from your own inner self you don't have to prove anything, stay calm and don't take it personal. Say things like "it makes me sad that you feel that way about me", "if you truly think like that of me then i guess i have nothing more to say, i assure you they were not my thoughts" and stand firm.

~ Sneak Attacks ~

"i don't want to upset you, but..." (she probably does want to upset you)
"i hope this doesn't insult you..." (here comes the insult)

The voice will be soft but it pierce like the sharpest dagger, yet used with a facade of the utmost concern.

The key in this statement is their sincerity in saying these words. Are they doing so because they truly uncomfortable with what you've done and need to voice in out in a best way they know how, or they just saying so you put you down and make them feel more superior then you? Understand that if they say these sentences with insincerity they do it probably to vent their own self-esteem issues and make themselves feel better (put you down to make you feel bad).

Handling Suggestions:
I personally don't encourage people to always think negatively about what others say. "I am most delighted when people can let me know of my faults...they are my greatest teachers" ~ Confucius. Be objective and use this as an opportunity to grow and learn rather then thinking about despising the other person. You'll only make yourself feel worst and suffer more, but hey it's anyone's choice.

"Accept insincerity with true sincerity". If it is true we accept and make it positive and try to improve self, if it is not true ask them why they think it is so and let them give you examples, don't take it personal. In private sessions discuss and seek rapport with them, find out why they say the things they do and why they say it in that way, let them know how you feel when they say it the way they do. There is always a reason for their behavior so dig into it. Also if they see that these words doesn't effect you in the way they intended (make you feel bad or inferior) your in a better position to handle them.

I tend to take these ones with a confronting joke and say it how it is..."haha, you don't wanna insult then here comes the insult, you don't wanna upset but there it comes *give them a wink*... strike under a veil...not bad my friend not bad...haha". 1) if they don't realise their invalidating ways, now they do and you've unearthed them. 2) if they do, well you've confronted them, if they have any shame they will feel a little embarrassed and will move into the joke with you. The advantages of doing it jokingly is to have mercy and give them a place to escape. It is less confronting if we all can laugh at the situation.

In conclusion
Remember, some of these "handling suggestions" are things that work for myself and may not work for others. I try not advocate negative reactions or counter productive solutions, as it only make a worst society to live in. Find your own style but keep in mind if one could muster up forgiveness, compassion, courtesy, patience and tolerance i recommend it very much. Maybe it's difficult to do so, but if it can be done we become the better persons and make it a better place to live in by example.

My next entry will be the final part of the Invalidators Arsenals. After and from there on we will discuss how way to counter an Invalidator.


Friday, February 13, 2009

Stuff I Wanna Share

Hi all,

After an almost spontaneous reaction to my recent blog entries I have decided to rename my blog to "Stuff I Wanna Share". This sexy beast of a title hits two birds with half a stone, COLD! Not only am I able to continue posting my "not so flash" drawings (if ever i start drawing again), but i am able to share my most inner mundane thoughts and learnings. As the saying goes "sharing is caring"! After all, my most inner desires is nothing more that to share.

but of course not when your sharing your spouse!!! :O!!!! so don't do that!

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

The Invalidators Arsenal - Part 1 of 3

In my previous blog entry I discussed the signs of the Invalidator from the book "nasty people". An Invalidator has many methods up their sleeves in regards to invalidating others. The following are the most commonly used outlined in the book.

~ Uncertainty Principle ~

Making you unsure of your own motives/intentions and especially unsure about yourself. Remember the whole idea is to strip you of any confidence or self esteem you have.

They may appear loving for months on end then change suddenly. They begin to cut you down, insinuate things and get annoyed at you or at something else. But no it's not their fault that this happened, somehow they will make it relate to you. You notice the change and ask "whats wrong, whats the matter?" but they will get angry for your accusation and fire it back. They'll respond "Something wrong? can't believe you think there is anything wrong! nothings wrong on my end, your acting strange is something the matter? You don't seem so good you feeling OK?" appearing super concern towards you. In the end you may feel bad for thinking like that and become uncertain about your own feelings. Unfortunately this is what they want, they will exploit this and make the problem yours, all the while being your best buddy about it and assuring you that they are truly helping you. Slowly you can become reliant on them for certainty.

Handling Suggestions:
Just simply be certain of yourself and seek to understanding why THEY have changed or why they acting or thinking the way they are, if it is due to their own insecurity issues confront them enough, find out. Without taking it personal ask them something like "oh really, when did you think *such and such* about me?". Softly level with them and get them to quantify their accusations.

~ Self Projection ~

Underlining the above example is their irresponsibility for there own feelings they are feeling. Therefore an Invalidator can simply take their own feelings and put responsibility for them unto another, as if these feelings originated with that other person.

Eg..a person that doesn't like you may say "I don't think you like me". Such a question would make you question yourself and your own feelings about them "Do i actually hate her?". What this does is put attention on ourselves and we only notice the feelings we have rather than noticing the others feelings.

Handling Suggestions:
Simply ask them "why do u say that? I feel there is something on your mind". Or you can mirror them and say "It's rather, would you say you like me?" or just ask back directly "do you like me?" without answering the question. If they get defensive well, you can portray that as the same reason you ask them back.

Further Note:
For those who are already more sure of themselves and are humbly sincere enough, they will use this opportunity to learn to improve self and seek rapport with the other whether Invalidator or not. The question they may ask themselves instead becomes "what have i done to make her feel this way about me?". This questions implies that the problem is not that we are an inadequate person but rather maybe in our failure to understand the other person Using this as an opportunity to be positive rather then seeing it as a loss to grudge about it. Remember grudging, hating, resenting and despising can take big mental toll on oneself. To sacrifice ones own peace of mind for another's sake is not the way either and in essence your only harming yourself.

If you already sure your own feelings are not what they trying to implying, the issue may be the way you portray yourself (theres always improvement for that). This is to humble oneself and improve your demeanor to your advantage. "The meaning of your communication lies in the response you get"-NLP. Communication is not restricted to words, it incorporate tone, gesture, facial expression or sentence structure etc. So have a look at your way of communication to them too.

~ Generalisation ~

The exaggeration of the truth. They take 'some truth' and make it falsely all truth. They may use your mistakes to their advantage by attacking your self-esteem! Generalisation and exaggeration is used a lot in society and most people do it. Comedian thrives on this technique to be funny. Again try not to take it too personal stay level headed and calm.

You may work as a casual but went they found out you didn't work that day they say "Man you just don't work!".

"Getting home from work you may be greeted with "you are inconsiderate/ irresponsible/ stupid". This implies you forgot to bring home the milk. She attacks your self-esteem instead of the problem. The problem is that their is no milk not that you are inconsiderate, irresponsible, or a stupid person. "If we logically reason it out even if you are stupid, what could you possibly do about it? How can you solve the problem of being stupid. Supposedly if you went back to the store to get the milk, your IQ would increase by leaps and bounds?"~ Nasty People

Understand the notion that "A person is different to their behavior"~NLP. You may have made a mistake and forgot the milk but that doesn't make you a particular type of person? When you were a kid you used to suck your thumb, are you a 'thumb sucker'? of course not.

Handling Suggestions:
Simply let them know that you feel rather uncomfortable about their words as they generalising these things about you. Remember there is no need to call them names or to attack them or get worked up. If you let your anger run wild your the one at loss and you've taken their bait. That is not the say you should always let it slip either, let them know your feelings but have some patience and exercise courtesy about it.

In conclusion.....
Above are some ways an Invalidator can strike! Please bare in mind that even though we may have met an Invalidator, understand that most people who do so are not conscience of their invalidating ways. Do not take it too personal and try to understand in the end whether Invalidator or not, people are just people. If we can stand firm with our own self-esteem without harboring resentment to another, exercise patience and tolerance these are respectable traits, you'll be better off and you'll be the better person. Think about it... sometimes we are not conscience of our own mistakes and so even we would like to be forgiven when we did not completely realise them.

In my next few entries I will continue to list more invalidation examples but will also suggest and relay ways of confronting it without being negative about it. Stay tuned!


Thursday, February 5, 2009

The Invalidator

I've recently read a book titled Nasty People and learnt about a certain category of people..."The Invalidators".

Have you ever talked to people that appeared nice, felt terrible afterwards, yet not knowing why. Seems like your self-worth was hacked away in the most subtle way leaving you feeling lowly and uncomfortable.

An Invalidator may unreasonably persist on their point of view but rather than attacking the argument of the subject matter they attack you and your self-esteem. They may unreasonably want things not within your capabilities and insinuate blame upon you making you feel bad for being unable to do what they want.

They will try to make the other person feel small/bad so they can feel bigger and better. Their words are to strip you away so they can manipulate you because deep down they perceive you as being superior. Subconsciously in their minds they say "I can't equal them, to control them lets cut them down to size". Have you ever met people with these traits? Maybe you were not aware but you probably have met one or two or more.

The Invalidators uses various suppressive mechanisms to chop away at your self-esteem and self-worth.

They may:

-pretend to acknowledge something you are proud of, then later makes some negative insinuation about it.

-feels out what you think your shortcomings are and then exploits them at your most vulnerable times, all the while using it against you in the most subtle way.

-Make you feel bad about something you had no control over or had no choice over for their gain.

-take accusations that have "some truth" and fires them at you as they are "just being your friend," or "to help you out."

~ Invalidator Friend Vs True Friend ~

The difference between an Invalidator and a real friend is that a real friend will tell you one or two of your shortcomings and then back away to give you space to ponder and consider it. All people awaken at different times and they will respect that. An Invalidator will lay many of your faults out for you and persist (nag) until you feel as big as the full-stop at the end of this sentence.

The difference in a good friend and an Invalidator is the intention/motive. When your friends are being critical are they sincere with you or do they have underlining selfish motives? In the end, a true friends intention is not for you to feel worst so they can feel good. They would feel bad if your feeling bad about yourself, least of all feel good about it. They will want to help you improve but also try to make you feel better about at the same time and respect you, not try to manipulate or control you. An Invalidator will feel good about your shortcomings and point out faults to make you inferior. When you feel insecure, your easy prey for manipulation.

But of course even your true friends are not perfect they may fail to be sensitive to your feelings and can seem to invalidate you too, so before getting all worked up stay calm and at least look at their underlining intentions/motives for saying things.

~ Invalidators Are Slipperly ~

An Invalidator will pick out the qualities about yourself that are most important to you and then tear them apart. If you do confront an Invalidator on what she is doing, she will say something like "I'm your friend. Where did you get these silly ideas?" and make you feel bad for thinking such. Even if you successful make them admit their forms of invalidation they will postpone invalidation until later when you least expected it. If they can take advantage of you they will!

An Invalidator could be friendly for a very long time but when a promotion comes, it's either you or him. Selfishly they will chew you up and spit you out before you knew what hit you and all the while putting on the best buddy act. With the knowledge they you had confound in them in the past they will invent perfectly reasonable points why you wouldn't have wanted the promotion in the first place.

Above are the general traits of an Invalidator. My next blog will be a discussion of an Invalidators invalidation techniques....